Dear World, Love Santa Claus – Santa’s Pet Peeves
Ho Ho Ho. Santa Claus here. Since so many of you are already making your Christmas lists, I thought it might be good for me to make a little list of my own. My biggest pet peeves when delivering presents. I could talk about my pet peeves in general – like the fact that you ask for video games when there are other children starving, or the fact that you allow movies like “Bad Santa” to be made, but for now I’ll just stick to the bare facts. Here are my top 5 pet peeves for when I’m delivering your Christmas presents.
5. Lack of Tree/Undecorated Mantel
What, no ornaments? What about the stockings? Why are they not hung by the chimney with care? Where are the little figurines of me on the mantel? What kind of holiday spirit are you people working with here? None, obviously. Try again. Unless a home is clearly excited about the holidays, I’m not excited to be there, which means I’ll be leaving with my bag still pretty heavy. Hey, fair warning.
4. Reindeer Farts
For such magical creatures, my flying reindeer have some horrible gas. Mainly because you nice people leave carrots for them, which make them super, super, duper gassy. The reindeer are fine on the WAY to your house, but after they leave? Fart city. I’m not kidding. Reindeer have four chambers to their stomach, which means that they have to chew cud in order to facilitate their digestion. Carrots? They just mess up the works and make them gassy. Real gassy. So, if you’re going to leave snacks for the reindeer (and it’s awfully nice of you to think of them), leave them some moss, or lichen. They love that stuff.
3. Asphalt Roofing
Look, Folks. I’ve been around for a loooong time. 4th Century, maybe earlier. I absolutely hate asphalt roof tiles. If I fall, the rough material rips my special Santa suit, and if I’m in a warm location, the heat from the shingles melts into my boots. That’s not OK. Give me a slate tile roof any day. It’s nice and firm, my Santa boots have great tread, so I don’t slip, and they just LOOK so much nicer. So go ahead and spend the extra bucks, mmkay?
2. Stale or Moldy Cookies
Why bother? I don’t NEED cookies. I mean, I LIKE cookies, but lots and lots of people leave me cookies, so if you’re going to leave stale or moldy ones, just skip it. I mean, the people next door probably left out some nice Mallomars, or something similar, so don’t sweat it. They’ll just draw ants, after all. I’m not eating them.
1. Sour Milk
Ew! It only stands to reason, when you leave milk next to a fire ALL NIGHT LONG, that it’s going to get kind of funky. If you start off with fresh milk, it has a chance of making it. If you start off with kinda funky milk, it ends up looking like the picture above. I also enjoy a nice bottle of water, or sometimes a Coca Cola. The high temperatures of the fire make the bacteria thrive, resulting in some nasty milk. So, remember that, OK?
Now that I’ve aired my grievances, I think we all feel a lot better about the holiday season that approaches. Feel free to send you letters via the North Pole, and be good – because I’ll be watching!
Love and Christmas – Santa Claus 
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